A few months ago I sat at our kitchen table, burning the midnight oil as I completed yet another medical intake form. A newly diagnosed chronic health issue had me spending pretty much all my ‘free time’ researching my condition, prepping for appointments, and Zooming with my doctors. In front of me lay an eight-page intake form for a naturopath. I sighed and picked up my pen.
I mindlessly started filling in boxes and running through my medical and family history, my eyes glazing over. Then, an unexpected question woke me out of my daze:
“What do you love do to?”
I laughed. It had been a long time since I’d thought about what I love to do. So long that even the concept of what I ‘love to do’ was comical. In fact, staring at the question, I didn’t know how to answer it.
I eventually jotted down something about cooking (and I’m not talking about the dinners I rush to put on the table every night) and beautifying the home. But those answers were really just a cop-out. Because deep down, I wasn’t sure of an answer.
As I got into bed that night – and in the days and months that followed – the question stuck with me. It wasn’t that I didn’t ‘love’ my current role as a stay-at-home mom. I embrace my vocation – and of course love my family – and believe deeply in the importance and value of my work.
But somewhere along the way I’d gotten depleted. I’d been so focused on filling the cups of those around me that I’d forgotten to fill my own.
And to be honest, it felt somewhat selfish to think about – let alone make time for – what I ‘love to do.’ After all, isn’t that what we mothers do? Sacrifice – and even at times suffer – for our families?
But at what expense? As I was fast learning, not taking care of myself was leading to a fair number of health problems – physical, mental and otherwise. It was catching up to me – fast – and there were days I struggled to care for my family as a result.
In many ways that question – “What do you love to do?” – was a wake-up call. I have no doubt it was placed in front of me by God, reminding me that it’s OK to take time for myself; to feed my soul by doing what I ‘love to do’ – and not feel guilty about it.
Over the next few weeks, I received more nudges from the God. One came when listening to Mass in the car on the way to (yet another) doctor’s appointment. The homily concerned our God-given talents; how God gives each of us unique abilities, and asks us to nourish them and use them to help others throughout our lives. I was left with a wry smile (yes, God, I hear you…) and further inspiration to reconnect with my gifts.
The next was even more direct. A priest came across my old blog – the Frugal Mama Files – and complimented me on my writing abilities. He asked if I would write a story for his charity’s website. I was (of course) flattered and agreed.
While I have no doubt this priest was grateful to check something off his to-do list, he gave me a great gift. Because as I sat down and began writing, I started coming out of a fog. The writing wasn’t my best – I was rusty – but it got my brain firing. Like starting up an old car that’s been collecting dust for years, and the spark plugs sputter to life.
It had been five years since I’d written for my old blog, and nearly three since I left my writing job at a winery. Writing had been something I lived and breathed everyday – something that consumed my thoughts (in a healthy way) as I went throughout my daily activities, considering ways to start a story, themes to explore, just the right words to express an idea. My always-active mind needed that kind of creativity to thrive, and sitting down and allowing my thoughts to spill out through my fingers was like taking a long, deep, restorative breath.
It wasn’t that being a mom wasn’t feeding me – but let’s be real. Being a mom is about feeding everyone else. Yes, there are days and moments that fill your soul and bring you intense joy, but there are also moments you’re hiding in the bathroom for five minutes of peace. With a toddler pounding on the door.
I don’t want to imply that mothering and taking care of a family is not a good use of talent. In fact, many of our God-given feminine gifts – sensitivity, receptivity, maternity, generosity – are what make women uniquely suited for roles as wives and mothers. Our culture is often quick to dismiss these talents as weaknesses, but instead they are what give us the inner-toughness to carry-on (sometimes holding on by a thread) in what is arguably the most important job in society: the nurturing of future generations.
But God has also given us talents that exceed our vocation. Those that connect with our identity beyond being a mother. Those that give us the opportunity to do good in our world, either in or beyond our homes, and sustain our soul in the process.
It’s easy to lose touch with these talents – perhaps they are playing an instrument, public speaking, organizing events, art or crafting, leading groups, or countless other examples – because there is simply not enough time in the day. But what I’m learning is that God asks you to make time in your day. To set an example for your family, and yourself, in self-care.
For me, that means getting up early to write. And I am, ah hem, not a morning person. But those precious forty-five minutes of peace and quiet before the kids wake up – with a cup of tea in hand and my mind focused on something just for me – have been life changing. I’m more patient. I’m less stressed. I smile more. Though far from perfect, I’m able to be a better mom. And a better me.
To the other moms reading this post, and laughing (or crying) at the thought of doing something you love, know that you’re not alone. Don’t lose hope. Open yourself up to God. Pray on it. Place it in His hands with trust and confidence.
And then, listen. Wait for God to speak, knowing that His words will stick in your mind – percolating there like coffee gaining rich, delicious flavor. He may surprise you with His subtle (or not!) prods. They often come in unexpected places – like a midnight date with a medical form.
Finally, give yourself permission to act. Make the time to do something you love – daily, if possible – even it if means taking a break from watching the kids (audiobooks are great for this – so is a favorite educational TV show) or embracing early mornings.
Because God doesn’t want you to lose yourself to motherhood. He invites you to become your best self through motherhood. That’s simply not possible when your cup is bone dry. So make yourself a priority and leave the guilt behind. You. Deserve. It.
